Suzie’s House 274 : Heart Pounding Madness – the Secret Life of Emma

How could she do it? How could Kate be so bold?

Emma had sat in the chairs of the orchestra room during the audition with her heart in her throat. Even though it was only her friend up there in front of all these people, Emma’s hands had shook.

Kate was so brave, muscling her way to the front to play the drums before the other drummers, and going on and on until they made her stop. She hadn’t dropped a drumstick or messed up the rhythm or frozen in the middle or anything. And it all paid off!

Afterward, when the teacher made everyone leave and Gene himself had talked to Kate right there in front of them, only inches away to say he wanted Kate to be in his band, Emma had nearly passed out. They had screamed and jumped up and down and it was all so exciting.

She could see Kate on stage with spot lights swirling around and Gene looking cool with the cord of his guitar whipping around stage and Tracy looking cool with her bass guitar and all dressed in leather and a huge crowd in front of them with everyone screaming.

Emma envied Kate. There was no way Emma could do it. She got stage fright just thinking about it and wanted to run to the bathroom right now, which just happened to be a tempting few yards away now.

“I could have done it, too, if I’d wanted,” Alisha said.

Emma nodded agreement, though she knew it was totally bogus. Alisha always claimed she could do things, then when she tried she’d fail spectacularly and look like a total duffus. But then she’d shake if off and walk away like the way a cat does when it doesn’t land on its feet; all offended dignity. Emma kind of admired her stupidity that way.

“No you couldn’t,” catty Katy said.

Emma nodded again, though this time her nod was more sincere. Not that she’d every let Alisha know. Sure enough Alisha hit her arm.

“Don’t agree with her, stupid,” Alisha said.

Emma nodded again. She couldn’t help herself. She knew it made her look stupid, and that Alisha would get even madder, but she couldn’t help it. She tried to make it stop, and her neck got really stiff. Then her shoulders got stiff. Even the middle of her back started to hurt.

She needed to relax, take a couple of deep breaths. But if she did that then Alisha would tell her to stop huffing, and that wasn’t any better. They were right next to the bathroom now. Emma could run in. They were used to that, so it didn’t really matter, right?

She tried imagining herself as a super hero. She’d be like Selene form Underworld. How cool would that be? If she could jump off of buildings and just walk away, and shoot crossbows while falling sideways, and nobody would make fun of her then. That took the edge off.

Gene and Tracy passed them in the hall, and all three of her friends’ heads whipped around to watch them.

“Oh my God!” Kate said, her eyes all wide and a huge grin on her face that she tried to cover with her hand. “I can’t believe they want me in their band! I’m going to tell everyone.”

The other guy who had played drums at the same time as Kate walked by. He caught up with Gene and Tracy, and you could tell Kate wanted to do that too, but she was stuck back here with all her friends so she didn’t. Kate was nice that way.

“So are you really going to do it?” Katy said. “I mean, did they say when and where or anything?”

“Yeah. It’s next Saturday at Gene’s house.”

All four of them squeeed over the idea of going to Gene’s house.

“Oh no! But Saturday I can’t go,” Alisha said. She sounded like she thought they should reschedule for her. Yeah, right. But Emma just nodded.

“I can’t either.” Katy at least sounded disappointed. She knew her place.

Then Emma’s eyes went wide. She wasn’t doing anything on Saturday. She could go.

What if she went, and something incredible happened? She had a good voice, even if no one ever, ever heard her sing because she only ever did it in the shower. She imagined herself on stage with the whipping guitar cords and the swirling spotlights, singing like Adele, or Katy Perry, or maybe Lady Gaga. She could do it. She could be…. No way.

No. The most she could do would be to sit in the same room as Gene and Tracy and try not to be overwhelmed by how incredible it all felt. Just that alone would be a memory to cherish.

“Can….” Her voice cracked. It came out small and mousy the way it always did when she tried to talk. She cleared her throat, determined to get through this. “Can I come?”

“Sure! That would be great.” Kate grabbed Emma’s hands. “It’ll help to have a friend there.”

Emma wanted to squee, but she couldn’t if Kate didn’t, so she just stood there with so much emotion welling up that she couldn’t handle it.

“Bathroom,” she muttered, and ran back down the hall, deathly afraid she wouldn’t make it before she threw up.

God. Why was everything always so intense?!

She knew it was all her. Everyone always said she just had to calm down and not care. And she’d kind of tried it a couple of times and not caring really did get rid of the shakes, but so what? Was that really living? Seriously, if you didn’t care about anything, what was the point?

But maybe there was some kind of middle ground that people like Kate had and she didn’t. Emma wanted that. She wanted to care, and to go for it and to succeed just like Kate. She wanted to be amused sometimes, or to just go for it and see where it took her. Did she always have to laugh hysterically when she laughed? Did she always have to freeze?

Emma started at the toilette, tears welling up in her eyes and her throat burning. The shakes were gone now. She could do this, and maybe, this time, it wouldn’t make her throw up after all.

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