Suzie’s House 241: How Can I When I’m Like This?

“Drew, how fast can you get packed?” Vin didn’t even bother to sit down before he said it.

Drew wasn’t surprised. He’d been expecting something like this ever since Vin said he was coming. Why else would he come if not to take Drew back. That didn’t mean Drew had to go.

“I’m not packing.”

“What? Afraid your clothes will get rumpled?” Vin grinned as if he believed this to be a good joke, as if this were some kind of festive occasion, rather than the complete an unmitigated break down of not only the case Drew was working, but everything in his life.

Drew gritted his teeth and looked away, too angry to trust himself to speak.

“Why not?”

Wasn’t it obvious? He couldn’t possibly go back to Wisconsin with Vin. He couldn’t be seen by Suzie in this condition. And didn’t it say everything that needed to be said that Suzie’s opinion was his first consideration and the case itself, his pride as an FBI agent, barely made it through the haze in his mind.

He swallowed hard, then realized the tea hadn’t made it into his mouth, and tried again. Even though it had been five days since the last time he’d been exposed to China Black, he still suffered from the designer drug. Even though he’d only taken it half a dozen times, all in the line of duty, or nearly so, even though he’d been in detox for a month, even though the doctors couldn’t understand why there were any residual effects, even though his blood tested clean, he still couldn’t get his head together.

He felt as if he’d been stripped down to his most elemental parts. His soul had been flayed, leaving him flopping helplessly. All his pride in his work was shattered. All the purpose had drained out of his life.

The scariest part was the fear that the rest of his life would be like this – a permanent fall down the rabbit hole.

He could still remember Suzie’s plea that he stay with her in Wisconsin. She couldn’t understand why he felt he had to go. Now he couldn’t either. But it was too late. Too late.

“Answer me, Drew. Why can’t you come back with me?”

How long had Vin been standing so close? Drew could barely remember him going into the kitchen with Maria, then coming back out without the refill he was supposed to get.

“The case isn’t closed.”

“Whether the case cracks or not, Drew, you need to come home.”

“Home?” Drew laughed without humor. “What home?”

In the last ten years he’d been shuffled around the country so many times. He stayed until his part in whatever case he was working was done, then the company sent him somewhere else. He lived out of a suitcase more often than not. The most permanent home he’d had in years had been renting a room in Suzie’s boarding house.

Or maybe it only felt more permanent because Suzie made everything feel so settled and right. She didn’t just rent a room to her boarders. She built a home for them with spice cookies and a warm, “welcome home” every time you came through the door.

More than anything, he would love to get back to that. He craved the peace and stability he’d had when he and Suzie were lovers. The thought of crawling into her arms hovered before him like the gates of heaven. Only, he’d lost his halo. The way he looked now, she probably wouldn’t even recognize him.

“Suzie is still waiting for you, Drew. She has been all this time.”

“Look at me, Vin. Do you think she’d even let me in the door?”

So far as Drew was concerned, the fact Vin couldn’t answer said it all.

He could see the gates of heaven slamming closed against him. All it would take is a look of pity on Suzie’s face. He wanted to be her equal partner, not her charity case. Anything less, and everything he’d built his life around would be as valuable as a yellow puddle left in the snow by a dog.

Even Vin must see how hopeless this most cherished dream.

“If Suzie shut me out…. I wouldn’t make it, Vin. I’d rather be dead.”

Drew wasn’t sure if Vin understood or not. He wasn’t even sure when his best friend went away, only that by nightfall he was gone.

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