By George! What's an Escort to Do?

Lord Malmesbury was sent to Germany to fetch Princess Caroline for Prince George. Imagine his plight when he got to know her.

His Lordship was able to observe the Princess at close quarters on a number of occasions. Her behavior was uniform throughout. Uniformly bad. This is what His Lordship wrote in his diary.  “No judgment! Caught by the first impression, led by the first impulse…loving to talk, and prone to confide and make missish friendships that last twenty-four hours. Some natural, but no acquired morality, and no strong innate notions of it’s value and necessity; warm feelings and nothing to counter-balance them… fond of gossiping, and this is strengthened greatly by her mother who is all curiosity and inquisitiveness, and who has no notion of not satisfying the desire at any price.”

If this was the reaction of Lord Malmesbury, how would the Prince react? As far as his Lordship was concerned, Princess Caroline’s suitability was not an issue he need bother himself with. His orders were to travel to Brunswick, ask for her hand, get her hand and bring it, and the rest of her, back to England so the Prince of Wales could marry her.

It didn’t affect the letter of His Lordships orders wither he had been told to bring back a Princess or a stripe-assed baboon. Orders were orders. The spirit of his orders however…should he be the one to inform His Highness about…? His Lordship had no intention of going there. The Prince expected Princess Caroline. He was a big boy; he could make up his own mind. His Lordship did not feel that it was his place to turn progress bulletins into editorials.

In one typical report he wrote that upon receiving a miniature portrait of His Highness, Princess Caroline “fastened it around her neck and has not taken it off since” In another, “She has received a box from England with English dresses and it is amazing how much they become her.” Nor would he report his discovery, while cooped up in the port of Stadt, waiting for the warship that would take them to England, that her soon-to-be Royal Highness stank like a fishmonger.

At least there was entertainment. The Duchess had accompanied them to Stadt. Once there, she told His Lordship that she didn’t wish to risk being captured by the French, who, to the Duchesses certain knowledge, were somewhere in the western portion of the European peninsula. Practically in their laps. She was sure His Lordship and the Princess would find some way to amuse themselves while waiting for their ship.

His Lordship prevailed upon the Duchess to stay. The Princess had no female attendants yet. There would not be any until the ship arrived. Did the Duchess REALLY want to leave her daughter in the care of His Lordship and his MALE servants? Apparently the answer was yes because His Lordship practically had to sit on the Duchess to get her to stay and “guard” her daughters virtue. Both the Princess and Lord Malmesbury would have been much happier had the Duchess gone home.

She immediately began to whine about nearly everything. The Duchess was “very disagreeable about the cold, peevish and ill-mannered…troublesome about choosing her apartment.” To kill the time she would tell amusing family anecdotes about King George when he was a boy. Like the one about how dad, the late Frederick, Prince of Wales, would make his son wear a chamber pot around his neck to let everyone know he was a bedwetter.

The Duchess knew he was a bedwetter because they had to share a bed together until they were WAY past the age when such things were acceptable. She told stories about the Queen, none of them complementary because the Duchess couldn’t stand her. A feeling warmly reciprocated by the Queen. His Lordship was also obliged to run interference between the Duchess and her daughter. So much so that at one point he had to take the Princess aside and reprimand her for being so openly disrespectful of her mum. Laughing in her face, making rude noises behind her back, what a family! And the Prince was going to MARRY this girl!

Things improved once the ship, the HMS Jupiter, arrived with the Princesses English Ladies to take her in hand. Mum went home and the ship got under way. The trip was relatively uneventful. His Lordship was obliged to ask one of the ladies to speak to the Princess about her personal hygiene. He was very gratified when the Princess showed up the next day “well washed all over.” The Princess really and truly did wish to do the right thing by everyone.

It touched His Lordship that the Princess was so obliging. He realized that, with the right guy to keep her on the right path, the Princess would make a great wife. She didn’t do bad things because she was bad, she did them because she was so easily manipulated and she had no one in her life to serve as a moral compass. If she fell in with the wrong crowd, she was obliging in the worst sense of that word. And here she was, on her way to England to get hitched to one of the most debauched princes in British history.

His Lordship was under no illusions as to the Prince of Wales true nature. He had seen enough of the Princess to realize that no good would come of their union. What he couldn’t know was just how horrendous it would get. One good point, Their story would sell a lot of newspapers.