King Joseph, co-regent of Austria and brother to Marie Antoinette, needlessly invaded Bohemia in search of fame and glory. It didn’t quite work out for him.
Joseph was right to believe that Frederick did not really want to fight. That is to say, Frederick was not totally committed to fight. Which is not the same as saying he was unable or unwilling to fight. Frederick had 160,00 men and over 850 guns. (cannon) His main reason for hesitating was that it would cost serious money to use them.
Looking at what he might gain, bits and pieces of Bohemia that he had no use for, Frederick considered it a bad deal. It was all he could do to keep the treasury filled in peacetime. This pointless warfare was worse than a waste of money, it wasn’t fun anymore.
Joseph’s army in Bohemia numbered some 200,000 men and over 700 guns. For that time and place, a huge and unwieldy force. Marshal Laudon, supreme commander of the Austrian forces was no more anxious than Frederick to fight. “A political dog of a war.” was his pungent assessment.
Joseph hoped for a decisive victory. Unfortunately for him, his enemy didn’t want to fight. His commander didn’t want to fight the enemy who didn’t want to fight. His mom didn’t want to fight. Count Kaunitz, who had been the instigator and chief plotter of the whole mess, suddenly realized that this wasn’t going at all the way he had hoped and withdrew from the situation, leaving Joseph to fend for himself.
The two armies never did meet. What did happen was that Bohemia, barely recovered from the Seven Years War, was once again ravaged by Prussian troops living off the land. What the Prussians didn’t eat or steal, the Austrians keep for themselves or else destroyed to keep the Prussians from eating or stealing it. The result for the average Bohemian was as predictable as it was devastating.
With this, as well as many other things in mind, Maria wrote directly to Frederick asking that he see sense and make peace. Frederick may have wanted peace, but not at any price. While he may not have wished for pitched battle, neither did he wish to be the first to blink. After all, he didn’t start this war. For once.
And being Frederick he was quite content to let his men suffer in the field while waiting for Joseph to do something. And suffer they did. Joseph’s men suffered as well. In fact, men on both sides were dropping like flies from disease and exposure. And all for nothing.
If anyone could afford to wait, it was Frederick. He not only had time on his side, he had Russia. Catherine had not only settled affairs (temporarily) with Turkey, but she had also just put the finishing touches on the suppression of a peasant rebellion. It was done, as the Russians were wont to do, swiftly and with the utmost barbarity.
Now Catherine had time to look outward again. The situation between Prussia and Austria looked like it could use an unbiased arbiter. Someone who could be fair to all concerned. Someone with no publicly acknowledged interest whatsoever in the outcome. Someone like herself. Catherine began moving her armies to the Galacian frontier.
This caused Joseph no end of alarm; as well it should have. He threw in the towel and signed the peace of Teschen on May 13th, 1779. For Maria, the relief at having the whole ordeal over with was profound. She wrote:
“I am overjoyed. Everybody knows that I have no partiality for Frederick, but I have to do him justice now and recognize that he acted nobly. He has promised to make peace on reasonable conditions, and he has kept his word. For me it is an inexpressible happiness to have prevented a great effusion of blood.”
It did not, however, end Joseph’s desire for martial glory. He would try again, with equally disastrous consequences, but not until after Maria was gone. In the meantime there was still Joseph himself. The man with the most Amazing Ideas In The World. All he had to do was force the world, and mom, to pay attention to him.
— Mr. Al
I was going to call this one What a Wimp of a Battle, but didn’t want to tip Mr. Al’s hand.
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