Suzie’s House 167: How to Catch a Bird

“Tracy, bring in the bird feeder will you? It must be about out by now.”

Like most of the calamities in Tracy’s life, it started out that simply.

When her aunt asked a favor, Tracy didn’t grumble. She simply rolled off the couch onto the floor then inched her way to her feet. It wasn’t like she really needed to see yet another re-run of Ed, Edd, n Eddy

“TV is the bane of my existence. It’s the opacate of the masses. It’s like cigarettes for the mind,” she said to an empty room. She clicked off the TV and headed for the back porch.

Of course the bird feeder would be out of reach. The back of Aunt Stephanie’s house stuck up higher than the front, so the back porch was a good ways off the ground – not quite a full floor higher, but far enough to make her toes tingle when she stood on the railing, which she absolutely was not going to do, this time. Not when she nearly took a header off it the day before.

She went up on her tipy toes, but of course couldn’t reach. Not that she was really all that short. The rafters of the porch must be ten feet high. Even Aunt Stephanie had to use a stool to reach the feeder.

Tracy shoved one of the Adirondack chairs under the feeder, which was indeed empty. She climbed up on the lip of the seat, then slid down to the deep-slung back. A second try, she managed to flick her fingertips across the bottom of the feeder before sliding out of reach. On the third try she started to enjoy herself.

“Wheeeeeeee!”

“Are you getting the feeder or just goofing off,” Aunt Stephanie yelled through the kitchen window.

“Both!” Tracy called back happily. But she gave up on the Adirondack chair.

Pile the planter tubs on top of the little patio table? With her luck it would all topple over, taking her with it. That only left the porch railing.

Tracy went over to the railing and looked into the yard. Just far enough to break her neck if she landed wrong. Actually, a bit further than she’d want to jump, although dangling… but she wouldn’t dangle, she’d fall the full distance if she didn’t keep her balance.

This is where she should have given up, but that little imp within who drove her to take up stupid challenges wouldn’t let her to. She must get the bird feeder to prove her worth.

The quickest and easiest means had to do with the railing, but she didn’t want to go there without out some security. If only she had a rope handy. The only rope like thing around was the garden hose, coiled up and dumped in the corner of the porch. Fat lot of good that would do in an emergency. What was she going to do? Tie it around her ankle?

Actually, that might not be a bad idea. It wasn’t like she planned on falling off the railing. The hose would simply be her security blanket. It was all psychological anyway, wasn’t it?

That’s how she came to tie one end of a garden hose around her ankle and the other around the spindles of the railing. It worked like a charm, too. She hopped up on top of the railing and wobbled a little, but felt perfectly secure with the garden hose attached.

With one hand in the rafters holding her in place, she leaned out over the floorboards, reaching for the bird feeder. Set in the middle of the porch, it was just out of reach again. Who was dumb enough to put a bird feeder in the middle of a porch anyway? Shouldn’t it be over the railing? Aunt Stephanie said it had to do with squirrels, but Tracy didn’t buy it.

Her fingers glanced off the metal base, sending the feeder swinging. She touched it again, making it swing harder. Maybe she could knock it off. Except then maybe the glace cylinder in the middle would break. Not good, but she couldn’t seem to get a hold of the stupid thing. She made a lunge for it, and knocked it off hit’s hook, then over compensated.

With one hand juggling the bird feeder and the other desperately wind milling, she wobbled on top of the railing. Please don’t let the bird feeder get broken. Please, oh please. It slipped from her fingers as she jackknifed forward then dropped into the Adirondack chair.

Yes! Victory was hers. She pumped a fist in celebration, but spoke too soon, still not quite having her balance. Both hands free, she grabbed a joist and steadied herself. See? Easy peasy. Not to hop down.

Her free foot caught in the snaky coil of the garden hose and she lost her balance again. She plummeted head first straight back is if doing a fancy dive into a pool. Yep, over the edge she went.

The hose tightened around her ankle just when she started to wonder if it was really going to work or if she was going to die. There was enough elasticity and length that her hands flopped against the ground for a second before she bounced back, then settled into a gentle swing.

Miraculously, nothing hurt. If fact, except for the embarrassment, the only problem was that she didn’t know how to get down, even if her head hovered a mere foot and a half above the ground. But she’d figure it out. She always came up with something.

Then THEY arrived. Lisa came with a couple of guys. They ran to the railing, staring at her and not offering a bit of help. The guys were cute, too.

Years later she would say that was how she came to be hanging upside down from the back porch by one ankle and a garden hose when she meet her first love.

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