Back to Belize
So. Where was I? Oh yes, thinking about the trip.
I’m going to do about half a dozen blogs on it, each focused on the sorts of things you might need to know should you have a setting in Belize, or even on say – an island in the Gulf of Mexico.
Probably the first thing that hits you as you get off the plane is the air. It’s warm and moist. Although my sense of smell isn’t too good, I get the feeling it’s a fragrant kind of air, in a flowery ocean breeze way as opposed to a stench of Mexico way. You’ll have to ask Mr. Al for more detail.
Next you notice the general state of poverty. They roll a staircase out to the plane. The tarmac is in good shape, but the buildings – most of which are poured concrete in the cities – look a bit weather beaten. It’s all very low tech. You hand over your passport and paperwork and they literally rubber stamp it and send you through.
The next thing we noticed, besides a dire need for tip money, was the roads and the traffic. That’s going to get a blog all to itself. I really, really wish I’d gotten more and better pictures. I never once took one of the people clogging the streets. Now I can’t begin to describe it.
Which brings me to a slight problem. Most of my pictures leave a great deal to be desired. I have one of a glorious moonlit night with palm trees and silver-blue water. It looks like a flat black background with a white spot for the moon and a string of white for the lights on the dock. Meh. I’ll subject you to it tomorrow.
As much as I’d like to show you Belize, the best I can do is describe.
Alice
Taxes
I’ve been so busy with income taxes I almost forgot to blog.
I’m running a little late on the taxes this year. Something about being out of the country messed me up. I was planning on simply doing an extension, but you have to have some idea how much you will owe for that to work, and to figure it out I had to do the taxes. All I can say is thank God for tax preparation software! I managed to actually get them done.
It’s so embarrassing when the accountant forgets to do her own.
Alice
Suzie’s House 13: Of Duty and Honor
Drew was driving down West Washington about the time Vin was walking into the cab company to pick up his ride. Though Drew knew he’d be sitting a while, he wanted to be sure he was in place before Vin attracted attention. So he found a likely spot near the bottom of the hill on West Washington just past Proudfit and parallel parked.
“You like Suzie” echoed in his head about a dozen times. He could still see Vin’s smug expression in his mind, and though he now watched morning rush hour drive past instead of Suzie wiping down the kitchen counter after breakfast, his jaw flexed in irritation.
Yes, he liked Suzie.
It was safe enough to let himself think it. Liking her didn’t mean anything. He liked a lot of people, including both Miranda and Vin. It didn’t mean anything. Liking people didn’t set him up for a fall. Not like caring deeply for someone who wouldn’t come with him when he moved on.
The bottom line was that his assignment to Madison Wisconsin was temporary. Eventually he would round up everyone in the Clobber Club, shut down their web site and end their Grand Theft Auto style game once and for all. Once the judge’s gavel came down, he’d return to the Chicago office and who knew from there?
Which was what he loved about Suzie’s house. Wasn’t it? Almost every other rental in town had a 12 month lease. He might have found a sublet in a month when school let out, but would loose it again three months later when the students returned in the fall. And what if he caught The Smash Master today? If the scumbag plead guilty, Drew might not need his room for more than a few more weeks.
Suzie didn’t require a lease, only a handshake. She knew he was temporary, didn’t she? He never said he intended to live there forever. But he couldn’t remember telling her he might not be there for long.
It shouldn’t matter. As long as they only liked each other it wouldn’t hurt too much when they went their own ways. Who knows, they might keep in touch the same way he did with Vin. He’d like to keep in touch with Suzie.
Drew watched the light change from red to green with half his mind. The line of cars to his left eased forward. In his rear-view mirror Drew saw some idiot cut across both lanes of traffic to skid into a left turn, narrowly missing oncoming traffic. Some equally suicidal fool took the same turn, causing cars to slam on brakes and horns.
Then the yellow color and rounded shape of the first car processed through Drew’s mind. The first car was a taxi.
What were the odds Vin would have already reeled in someone from the Clobber Club? They were supposed to play their nasty game around Villas Zoo a few blocks further along, not here. It might have been anyone. But some part of Drew knew for sure it had to be Vin.
If he’d had any idea Vin would hook someone so soon, he would have parked a few blocks back. Now he was one street past where Vin had turned, facing the wrong direction, and blocked by heavy traffic going both ways.
He flipped on the dash-mounted camera and pushed his way into traffic, though he didn’t try any of Vin’s stunt-driving. The problem was he couldn’t simply turn at the next intersection then cut over. The roads dead ended in Monona Bay, cutting him off from the way Vin went. Drew had to go down to South Park to turn, then cut up to Regent. At least Regent turned into Proudfit when it crossed West Washington.
At the speed he was going and the speed Vin had been going he would miss the shot entirely. Great. Just when he was ready to nail the jerk, caught with his camera aimed the wrong way.
He finally got onto Proudfit. Sure enough, he could see the short length of the street and there was no sign of Vin. He probably went on John Nolan Drive and headed South.
Except John Nolan was full of commuters. Vin wouldn’t want to put innocent bystanders at risk any more than Drew would. Drew looked around, trying to figure out what he would have done himself. Right after Proudfit crossed West Washington a little street named West Main came off to the right. Vin probably turned there. Drew back tracked.
He was sure it would already be too late, that the Clobber Clubber after Vin would already have sidelined the cab and run off, but if nothing else he could check and see if Vin needed a tow truck. For the first several seconds he didn’t understand what he saw at the end of the short street.
Vin sat in a taxi which had jumped the curb and come to rest against a tree. Drew knew it was Vin only because his red barrette showed so clearly. A man was walking away from Vin’s car. When he saw Drew approaching in his sedan, the man ran.
Drew was in luck! He hadn’t actually captured the attack on film, but this certainly looked circumstantial enough. And this man, with bright red hair, was an entirely new player. He might even be The Smash Master himself! Leave it to Vin to hook a good one.
“All right!” Drew grinned. He couldn’t wait to nail the guy.
A block away, he realized the man was holding a gun. He jumped into a silver Jeep Cherokee and peeled out.
For the few seconds between where Drew realized something was really, really wrong and his arrival at the end of the street in front of Vin, Drew was torn. Chase after the man, and possibly apprehend him, or check on Vin?
He kept hoping Vin would wave him off, giving him the green light to go after the jeep. Instead, he slumped up against the door of his cab. A slumping Vin was always a very, very bad sign.
“Damn!” Drew didn’t even get a good shot at the license plate. By the time his sedan turned the same direction as the jeep, it was gone.
Drew parked next to the cab and jumped out. Still no motion from inside. The hairs on the back of Drew’s neck stood up, giving him a bad feeling. He walked up to the window.
“Hey, Vin. You all right?”
No response.
“Vin?”
The window was open. Drew reached through and touched Vin’s head, moving it gently up and to the side. There was blood all down his front. The bastard had shot him.
Drew whipped his cell phone out, speed dialing emergency even as his fingers desperately sought some sign of life. He thought he felt a flutter of a heartbeat at Vin’s neck, then thought it might be the blood racing through his own fingertips misleading him. He gave the ambulance direction even as he found the bullet hole and did his best to staunch the bleeding.
At least Vin was bleeding. That could be considered a sign of life, even if the man never so much as twitched.
“Vin, if you die on me, I’m going to stand on your grave and scream at you every day for the rest of my life.”
The threat felt hollow, and didn’t even raise a flicker of response from Vin. Drew wasn’t sure why he needed a response, but he did. It was almost as if he had to have some significant sign of life to be able to take a deep breath.
Wasn’t it ironic how he had thought you couldn’t get hurt simply from liking someone. He felt as through his guts had been ripped out and dunked in ice water. He felt as if the world had gone a strange shade of slate blue and could never be right again if Vin didn’t answer him right now.
He needed something more than gushing blood as a sign of life. And he needed to give Vin something to live for, some reason to fight the shock and pain of having been shot.
“If you die, I’ll marry Miranda.”
Vin opened his eyes and glared at Drew.
<>
The previous was Suzie’s House 12: All In A Day’s Work
This is Suzie’s House 13: Of Duty and Honor
Next is Suzie’s House 14: Mouth to Mouth
Chasing Sharks
Honest, I’m not the sort of person who does stupid things like feed bears, try to pet deer or buffalo, or chase after skunks. I don’t know what got into me!
Our second day at Maya Breeze Inn we decided to go snorkeling. We hired a touring company named Nite Wind (yes, that’s how they spelled it) to take us out to one of the cayes that is part of a reserve. Our tour guide’s name was Mark. He wasn’t real good with kids, but otherwise very helpful and informative.
He guided us around Song Bird Island, bringing up such sea life as conch, sea cucumber, etc., which we would pass around, then return to the sea. Now and then he’d flush out some exotic fish while we took pictures with our underwater cameras.
It’s the camera that got me. Seemed like every time I lined up a great shot my snorkel would fill with water. I’d need to inhale and have to give up the picture to fix the snorkel. And breathe, of course. So when Mark flushed out a nurse shark about as big as myself I fired off a wild shot then started chasing it in the hopes of getting a better shot.
I had gone a few yards when I came to my senses. I mean, it would have been a great shot, but did I really want to be chasing a shark? What if it decided to turn around?
So I let it go and got pretty pictures of coral instead. That’s more my speed anyway.
.
Alice
Belize Highlights
Wow! What an experience. It’s going to take a while for me to sort though my impressions and pass them along, but I’ll try to give you a general idea now.
First, I can’t believe I chased a shark. More on that later.
I started with a cold, am apparently getting a cold now, got a horrendous sunburn, and won’t remember any of that in years to come.
We were very much the minority in Belize. The only other whites I saw there were other tourists, and a few resort owners. Mr. Al said he saw one in their army but I missed him. Makes me wonder what happened to the English who colonized back when Belize was British Honduras. We got stared at a lot, yet I never felt as though I were being intruded upon.
Mayans are short, often less than 4 feet tall.
Sea breezes are great. Ziplines are fun. Being on the go all the time lets you see more and keeps the kids from fighting as much, but a lot can be said for simply laying around on the beach with your laptop.
To get there we had to drive past snow. To get back we had to drive past snow. While there we sweatted buckets. It seemed both strange and natural that I should experience both in a matter of days.
Curly hair, of my variety, turns into an afro when confronted by high heat and humidity. Thank God, or a clever woman, for braids.
It’s hard to get my mind back into Suzie or Zack when I’ve been listening to Huckleberry Finn on tape. When I close my eyes it isn’t a crash on the streets of Madison that I visualize but Adarondak chairs on white sand. This Friday is going to be a challenge for me.
Alice
Hi! I'm Home
I really, really wanted to say “Hi from Belize” but I’m not surprised it didn’t work out. Not that I couldn’t find any Internet access, but that I never got a chance to use it.
At The Maya Breeze Inn I ran out of time while trying to get connected and had to give up. In Belmopan I couldn’t get my mother to stop at the “Internet Cafe” and merely stared wistfully at it as we went past. Several times. In Belize City everything closed down for Easter, including the Internet, fax, and telephone access store around the corner.
Get the feeling this trip was not under my control? That’s putting it mildly. But I still had a lot of fun.
Alice
Fun Things To Do in Alice's Restaurant While Alice Is Away
I expect most of you will simply stop dropping by. Hey, I don’t blame you. The only time I’ll put anything new up will be when I accidentally run into an Internet connection while in Belize.
So, no recipes this coming Monday or the Monday afterward and no Suzie this Friday.
For those who will miss me, I have a few suggestions.
1] Use the categories on the right to catch up on stuff you might have missed.
1a] Check out any Suzie’s House blogs you didn’t read when they were first posted.
1b] Check out Writing Techniques for stuff like GMC, the use of details, and dialogue tags
1c] Click on Writing Life or Writing Craft for inspiration
1d] Click on Guest Blogs to look at Mr. Al’s post cards
1e] Click on From the Mailbag to pull up lame jokes like the one I posted Tuesday
1f] Click on Recipes for something to eat.
2] Leave mysterious comments on old blogs
2a] Tell Nancy I was way too mean to her, and she should keep writing regardless of what I have to say.
2b] Suggest things you’d like the characters to do in Suzie’s House.
2c] Post something you meant to say before but never got around to.
2d] Correct my spelling.
or
3] Drop by now and then to see if I have posted anything from Belize
I’ll miss you guys. I’ll tell you all about it when I get back.
.
Alice
Suzie’s House 12: All In A Day’s Work
Vin twisted around so he could sling one arm across the back of his kitchen chair. His other hand toyed with his coffee cup. With a belly full of pancake and what he’d witnessed that morning he was feeling no pain.
Suzie had cleared the breakfast table and Miranda gone off to work leaving Vin and Drew still sitting. Vin tried not to smile, but it was damn hard when he felt so good. Still, he managed to keep from saying anything to Drew until after Suzie finished wiping down a counter, then left the room.
“You aren’t interested in Miranda at all.”
“Hmmm?” Drew raised an eyebrow as he sipped his coffee.
“Before, you made it sound like you might be interested in Miranda, but you aren’t, are you.” It wasn’t a question at all. Vin was quite sure of his assessment.
“What makes you say that?” Though the man’s lips tightened against it, a smile tugged up the corners of his mouth.
“It’s Suzie you want.” Vin couldn’t keep a happy lilt out of his voice.
“I do not.” Drew put his cup down so fast it was a wonder the saucer didn’t crack. He glanced warily at the door.
“You like her, and she likes you. So many sparks fly off the two of you that you could light a match just holding it in the air between you. Even Miranda noticed. Did you see the way she lingered in the doorway, looking at you before she went to work?”
“Suzie?”
“Miranda. She has to know you’re after Suzie now. So she’ll stop chasing you.”
It sounded like Drew muttered, “I hope so,” under his breath as he carried his cup and saucer to the sink.
“I knew you’d like her. She deserves a good man after all she’s been through.” Vin followed him, cup, spoon, and saucer in hand.
“Miranda?”
“No, Suzie!” Vin took a deep breath to calm himself when he realized Drew’s eyes crinkled with suppressed humor. “Quit yanking my chain.”
“And give up one of the foremost pleasures in life? Not a chance.”
“All right, so let’s talk about work instead. Usual deal? We’re so close to the shop now that I don’t need a ride. I’ll just walk from here. I’ve already called Walter and he has a car ready for me.”
“How about I wait for you on West Washington Street. According to the web page for Madison the club is planning on using the area around Vilas Zoo this morning.”
“All right.” Vin shoved off from the counter. “I’ll head out now.” He headed for the central hall that would take him out the front door.
Before he left the kitchen Drew said, “About Miranda. You can’t blame a guy for looking.”
Vin glared at his buddy, then changed his mind. “Sure, just like you can’t blame him for appreciating Suzie.”
Drew’s smile evaporated. Hah! Let him chew on that a while.
#
As Vin came to the intersection of Fairchild and West Washington he noticed the large, lumbering form of Jordan Furguson crossing the street. The one-way street here felt narrow even with two lanes, though Vin’s taxi wasn’t as hard to drive as a van or truck. Maybe it was the height of the buildings, or the fact they were on the crest of a hill. Traffic had bunched up around the library as pedestrians walked out with little regard for their own safety. It was tense driving.
At first Vin hadn’t recognized Jordan. No doubt the man was headed to his clerk’s job in the Capitol building a block away. The two of them had a short, unpleasant history. A couple of weeks ago Furguson had used his connections through the governors office to get Vin’s driver’s license suspended. Straightening the mess out had taken hours and hours. Though his back was already turned, Vin flipped Jordan off as he eased into the broad, open, down-hill lanes of West Washington.
The guy in a silver Jeep Cherokee right behind him honked. Not a friendly “hi there!” toot but the kind of steady horn action of someone who is pissed off. Vin check his rear view. The man, a thin one with bright red hair, waved a fist at him. Vin flipped him off half-heartedly.
The honking became more agitated. They were going down a long incline that ran for four or five blocks. Without realizing it Vin had picked up speed. He hit the breaks at a traffic light that was a little slow going from red to green. The idiot behind him plowed right into him.
Having spent the last month luring people from the taxi attacking club into deeper play, Vin did not immediately pull over. He gunned it between Broom Street and Bassett, and enjoyed weaving in and out of traffic. The idiot stayed right behind him until after they crossed Bassett. Then he clipped the finder of an innocent bystander, sending the poor woman into a spin, and didn’t even slow down.
Hah! A player after all. Vin could handle it, but had to get this guy away from the heavy traffic of West Washington.
He made a tire-eating screech of a left on Proudfit then a right on West Main. The idiot followed close behind. Where was Drew? He should be getting some footage of this. It was some of Vin’s best driving.
West Main folded off to the left onto South Brittingham Place where the street bumped into Monona Bay. Here there was less traffic, but much less room to maneuver as houses and parked cars lined the left side of the street and the water ran along side on the right across the narrow strip of land called Brittingham Park. He was doing 50 mph and the street was barely over a block long.
He hit the breaks and immediately began to fishtail. The idiot in the jeep plowed into him, first shoving him by the bumper, then moving to the left side to cave in the driver’s door of the taxi.
They were going too fast. Alone Vin could have made it around the corner, but not with the additional mass of the Jeep working against him. Though he fought the steering wheel, he couldn’t get any traction and began moving sideways.
Everything blurred together in Vin’s mind. The flickering checkerboard of trees approaching the side of his taxi too quickly, the shudder of the steering wheel under his palms fighting his effort to save himself, the booming crunch of impact all rolled together as the taxi smashed into the trees.
Vin suspected he was going to have a case of whiplash from this. Not to mention Walter would be pissed. The entire right side of the cab was smashed. It would take a tow truck to get this one in.
When the world righted itself Vin tried to open his door, and found it would only go a few inches. The guy in the jeep backed up. Vin conceded defeat. There was no way he was going to drive anywhere else today.
But the red head wasn’t done. He hopped out of his jeep, leaving it running, then walked right up to Vin’s window. Vin didn’t notice that the man had one hand behind his back until he pulled out a gun.
The idiot shot Vin at point blank range.
Pain like nothing he had ever felt before ripped through Vin’s chest. Everything got cold and dark. His last thought was that God had a twisted sense of humor taking him out of the game now when things were going so well with Miranda.
The previous was Suzie’s House 11: Good Morning
This is Suzie’s House 12: All In A Day’s Work
Next is Suzie’s House 13: Of Duty and Honor
New at Alice's Restaurant: Gerbil TV
Gerbil TV is coming soon to Alice’s Restaurant.
What is Gerbil TV?
It’s what I’m going to call a series of silly pictures taken around the house. There are always silly things going on around here. It might literally be the antics of gerbils or it might be an arrangement of toys, or even the way the refrigerator magnets are stacked up.
Frequently someone in the house will set up a little diorama. Someone else will come along and make a few adjustments. The next thing you know the little plastic soldiers, Barbie dolls, or Tibetan monkey mask are off and running with an entire story.
Now, thanks to the miracle of the Internet I can share some of this craziness with you.
Enjoy!
.
Alice
"I Could Be a Writer"
This one is for Nancy.
Did you really think this was going to be easy? Just because Nora whips out half a dozen books a year and you can type 60 words per minute doesn’t mean you can write a book in six weeks.
Yes, I did it, but it wasn’t as long of a book and I already had one complete and years of experience under my belt. It wasn’t a whole new experience for me. Nor will that book ever see the light of day. There wasn’t enough good about it to make it worth revising.
No! I’m not saying you should quit! Unless you’re going to be lazy about this. If you aren’t willing to put in the work, then yeah, save yourself the heart ache. Because if you aren’t willing to do what ever it takes — and you’ve already proven you aren’t any more talented than I am so it’ll take a lot — then you aren’t going to get anywhere.
Sometimes it feels like everything is either on or off with you. First it’s gun-ho charge-ahead and get it done, which is all very well except you won’t listen to me then. Then it’s “I’m not worthy” and “This reeks!” which not only isn’t true, it’s also a time when you won’t listen to me! Why on earth do you want my critique if you won’t use it! To be honest, I’d rather be working on my own stuff.
So you’ve gotten lost in the choices. Frankly, I don’t think the hero’s hair color is all that important. Whether or not he’s going to murder his uncle, yes I’d say that’s important. If you didn’t want to deal with the problem of keeping him sympathetic while forcing him to do a heinous act on someone who really does deserve it, then you shouldn’t have set the story up that way in the first place. Nor do you HAVE to write it that way. Yes, it’s the most exciting part of the book, but hardly what the book is all about. Hello. Remember the heroine? And no, I’m not saying she should be the one to kill the uncle.
What I’m saying is that you’ve got some structural problems. Big whoop. Deal with it. How many times have I scarped off the last third of the book – we are talking tens of thousands of words each time here – just because they didn’t get the job done? Trust me, it’s only a big problem if you make it one. If you really want to make this thing a best seller, you’ll do it.
I’m sorry I didn’t say it more nicely, but I still think the part in the middle is boring. You still don’t think fiction is about emotion, do you. Well, I didn’t either for years and years and you can really see it in my work. And no, that melodramatic drivel in the fifth chapter is NOT what I mean about emotion. I mean the emotion you create in the reader, not what you slap on to the characters.
Yes, I said drivel and I stand by it. Come on, you said yourself you don’t like it. Why do you expect me to? It’s just one little passage you spliced in. Take it out.
I can just see your expression now. Would you calm down! Just because that little bit of the chapter isn’t good doesn’t mean you have to throw out the whole thing. Next you’ll be back to the “I’m not worthy” thing and throwing out the whole book. You’ll never write that best seller your after if you keep chucking the whole book. You aren’t going to get this thing done at all if you don’t sit down and do it.
Nora really hit the nail on the head when she said she can fix anything except a blank page. Yes, I know that Howard something or other guy always wrote once and never revised. But remember his editor said he always rolled the story around in his mind for years before he wrote anything, and they were only short stories. Quit trying to encase your words in amber. We aren’t talking stone tablets here. They can easily be changed later.
No, I don’t know that this is going to be the one. It’s your first book! Sheesh. It’s like insisting you have to get married to the first person you date. Maybe you should, and maybe you shouldn’t. All I know is that you CAN’T write a best seller if you never finish anything. Even if this frog never does turn into a prince, you have to kiss him to find out. Finish the book, put as much into revision as you can stand, and keep moving. I mean you should start on the next book soon.
And that thing I said about smiling and saying “go for it” to those annoying wannabes who belittle the effort I’ve put into this, I meant it. But I didn’t mean you! Yes, encouraging people to write is unkind. But I don’t do it out of spite. I honestly want everyone to succeed at this. Misery loves company? Maybe. But if you’re still willing to go for it, I’m still there for you.
.
Alice
Quick Quote
Mr. Al regarding the need to delete scenes from our books:
“It’s so hard to strangle our babie.”
Groan
I know I shouldn’t inflict these on you just because someone inflicted them on me, but…. Oh well. 😀
.
(1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
.
Alice
Quick Pancakes
What? You want the pancakes to go with the quick mix? Fine.
2 c quick mix
2 eggs
1 c milk
Mix. Fry on griddle with butter at a medium high temperature. If you can get the temperature exactly right the pancakes should be golden brown on the bottom when the top is just starting to have bubbles that don’t go away. Flip, brown, and serve.
Bon Appetite
Alice
Quick Mix
This is what Suzie used to make pancakes, in case you were wondering.
10 c flour
1/3 c baking powder
1/4 c sugar
4 tsp salt
2 c shortening
Mix dry ingredients. Cut in shortening. Store for later use. Whatever ratio of whole wheet to all purpose flour you wish may be used. Suzie uses 4 cups of whole wheat and 6 of all purpose.
Bon Appetite
Alice
Alice
Mr. Al’s first Tudor Thingy
It occurs to me that some of you may not have seen Mr. Al’s first post, which he put in FanLit Forever instead of sending to me, his dear wife who specifically asked for it. So here it is:
.
I don’t know what happened, I’ve been possessed by an imp or something. No one is willing to talk movies so now you all are gonna get a history lesson! You brought it on yourselves. 
The Henry story went like this. Henry was married to Catherine of Aragon. From Henry’s viewpoint, things just weren’t working out. He sought an annulment on the grounds that the marriage wasn’t legal from the get-go because Catherine was the widow of his older brother. The Bible, Henry pointed out, forbade such a union. The fact that this was pointed out to Henry, repeatedly, by influential persons, before he married her only convinced Henry that he was onto a winning strategy.
But there was a hitch.
His problem with Catherine had to do with her inability to produce a male heir. This was a pet project of Henry’s that he was, perhaps, a bit more attached too than was wise. They did have a child, a girl, Mary. But that wasn’t good enough for Henry. He wanted a son.
He wanted to put Catherine aside in favor of a woman who could give what he wanted.
Henry was so fixated on a male heir that he had apparently forgotten that girls could become supreme monarchs. There had never before been an English queen as sole monarch, but there was no law against it. As there was in France. A lot of people seemed to have overlooked that legal tidbit. But there was one fellow who hadn’t.
Charles the V had ascended the throne of Holy Roman Emperor. Charles was also Catherine’s nephew. While he bore his aunt no great affection, he WAS rather attached to the idea of her remaining queen. Should Henry choke on his roast beef during one of his legendary food orgies, his cousin Mary would become Supreme Monarch of England. There was a first time for everything, Charles reasoned. And he had English law on his side. Even if the English didn’t realize it. Charles was opposed to a divorce. In a perfect world this would not have mattered because Charles was only an emperor, not the Pope. And the Pope was the fellow Henry had to win over.
But there was a hitch.
Pope Clement the VII was a reasonable man on the issue of royal divorces. Henry also had a legal precedent on his side in the form of the divorce of Louis the XII of France and Margaret of Scotland. With the other issues, Cardinal Wolsey assured Henry, that the whole matter was a done deal. And not a moment too soon for Henry, because he had his eye on a Sweet Young Thing he had met in France.
Anne Boleyn has been portrayed by historians as everything from a complete naïf who got in over her head, to an arch-schemer who seduced Henry and manipulated him to her own ends. Neither is true. She met Henry while serving as a lady in waiting to the queen of France The occasion was the meeting of Henry and King Francis on the Field of Cloth of Gold. The meeting was held in the hope that it would reduce tensions between England and France, so they could concentrate on that pushy emperor, Charles.
She must have had something special to have caught Henry’s attention. Perhaps her witty repartee, “Oh Henry, you scoundrel, is that a cod in your codpiece, or are you just happy to see me?” (She didn’t really say that.)
But catch his attention she did! And Henry convinced himself that she was the ticket to the boy babies he wanted so badly. All he had to do was get rid of Cathy. And that’s where the hitch developed.
Pope Clement was ready to fix things, but before he could, King Francis and Charles got into a spat. Clement backed Francis, Francis lost. Charles invaded Italy and made his army at home outside the Vatican. OOPS. At this point, Cardinal Wolsey sends a friendly letter to Clement reminding him to take care of the little matter they had discussed earlier. This put Clement in a very uncomfortable position. I imagine the conversation went something like this;
Clement: I know you object to Henry divorcing your aunt. I understand completely! Believe me, no one hates divorce like I do! But in this one instance, perhaps you could see your way clear too…
Charles: No.
Clement: The thing is, we’re all adults here. Let’s be reasonable and admit to certain realities…
(At this point one of Cement’s servants plummets past his office window, screaming the whole way. There is a dull thud. The screaming stops.)
Charles: Who knew the Vatican could be such a dangerous place? What were you saying, Pope?
Clement: Nevermind.
Henry didn’t get what he wanted from the Vatican. This was an unpleasant surprise for Henry. It was even more unpleasant for Cardinal Wolsey, who had staked everything, and I do mean everything, on securing the divorce for Henry. With the divorce off, Wolsey was not only out of a job, he was living on borrowed time. And with Wolsey out of the way, the anti-ecclesiastical party suddenly found itself coming in from the cold. They had a plan, a rather bold plan, that would not only secure Henry the divorce he wanted, but destroy the influence of the Catholic Church in England forever.
These gentlemen were Protestants. What Henry gave them underlines the adage; “Be careful what you wish for.”
I hope you enjoyed this little history lesson. I left rather a lot of detail out, couldn’t be helped. Had I gone into detail it would have taken up more space than anyone would be comfortable with. As a postscript, let me just add, Henry married Anne, She did not produce the boy he wanted, they had a girl, Elizabeth. Henry was not pleased and chopped Anne’s head off so he could try again with another hapless female. And the rest is history.
.
– Mr. Al
